A talk with God, part 1, from a heart that can’t believe…

“God I can’t believe, I can’t receive. My heart has become hardened, my heart…

is restless, running, confused, and been overcome –

But it is told that  You are calling my name. Is that true? Do You really know my name? I can’t hear Your call.

Can You do something in me that I cannot do for myself?

Are You waiting for me? They tell me that You are calling me and that You have complete healing in Your arms.  You are calling me by  name and pleading for me to come home.

Why do I linger? Why do I not heed Your mercy and Your call.

Is that why You want me to call You “my Father in heaven” because You so desperately want Your child to turn and come home?

There is something in the way – why can’t I receive Your love? The something is bigger than myself. I remember the prayer I was taught to say, “lead us not into temptation and deliver us from evil…”

I need deliverance from evil. I can’t deliver myself. I need healing in the inner parts. I need a miracle. do miracles still happen?

They tell me that You can do this for me. I have been told that You are the Anointed One and that you were sent here to ‘bind up the brokenhearted, and to proclaim freedom for the captives and to release from darkness the prisoners’, It’s on a card here written for me, it says, Isaiah 61:1.

I am all of those things, brokenhearted, captive, and a prisoner. But I don’t believe You can do this for me. I don’t have a willing heart to believe.

Can you give me a willing heart? Can You do that work in me? They say You can, but will You? Even after all I have done? I guess if it is true that You know everything, then You know that ‘there are ancient ruins’ in my life, and there are places that have long been devastated – and ruined cities, (from another card I was given that says, Isaiah 61:4). But the card says that You will rebuild and restore and renew all of those things.

But I can’t believe that You can do that for me.

Will You give me faith to believe that You will do all three for me?

I think Lord, You must be answering prayer even before I am finished praying it, because I stopped running away. You must be calling my name like they say You are.

I can’t hear You yet, but I see on this other card I was given that says, Isaiah 61:3, that You can ‘bestow on me a crown of beauty instead of ashes’,

Do You think it is too late for that? The card says that You can even put on me ‘the oil of gladness instead of mourning’. Is that even possible? And that You will put on me a ‘garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair’.

I don’t have a believing heart, You can see that – but can You give me one?

God I need Your help. Please help me.

They told me I should pray in Jesus name. I know Your name, You were abused and rejected and treated wrong, even nailed to a cross. How did You rise above all of that?
It makes me think of that prayer I know, ‘forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us’. That must be how You rose above it.

Forgiveness must be the big issue here. I’m not sure where to start. I guess it starts with You and how  You forgive me…

I’m not ready yet. But will You help me? I will pray in Your name,

In Jesus Name,


“A bruised reed He will not break, And a smoking flax He will not quench, Till He sends forth justice to victory, And in His name Gentiles will trust.” Matthew 12:20.

“So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you  have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.'” Matthew 17:20.


Author: tonirypkema

Wife to 1, mother of 11, daughter of 1. "The most amazing woman in the world." -Jared (son)

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